Thought Disorder

Friday, March 28, 2008

Fears

Mm we had a rigourous career day today which was semi-boring. The afternoon session was a real soporific like I fell asleep during the first, fiddled with Laine's phone for the second, played Grey's Anatomy subsequently till the end. I think the last speaker knows hypnosis. However I thought that the first part of the day was pretty effective (save for lessons ew I screwed AQ for the comprehension die please) We went around collecting every brochure available, and they all amounted to a huge thick and especially heavy stack. Then we sat in the canteen pondering over our futures, which still remains a blur for me. I've no exact idea of which faculty to register in after the A's. I don't know what I'm interested in! I mean I know but vaguely so. And so this scares me a whole lot, like a whole lot. It concerns the next few decades of my life till death, and I'll be living off myself and not my parents anymore. And in order to qualify for scholarships/faculties, we have to get terrific grades for most of our subjects + have excellent CCA records + go through selections and interviews. I don't think I can get an A/B for GP at the A's because of some obvious reason we all silently know but have violent objections to. I'm terribly scared that I can't make the mark. We all have to make the mark. We just have to!

Life is so hard these days, I think it's better off not being born into this world.

On a lighter note, I think Cantonese songs have such good vibes, even though I've no idea what the singers are singing about. I think HK shows are really great too! No idols, no eye-candies, no cliche plots, but these dramas are the real McCoy. They are truly attention-worthy shows with el-fantastico plots.

Can't wait for the June holidays. They seem so far away!

I should buy an index book and loads of cue cards for mugging purposes soon!

10:24 PM

Thursday, March 27, 2008

LIFE-LY

Mm I swear today was good! We had the most fun PW tutorial in the afternoon. The teacher wasn't here, and the relief teacher had to tend to another class, leaving Eugene to be the "monitor" for this period (what a wise choice) So the entire class was in an arm-wrestling frenzy, both girls and boys alike. We almost had a class ranking kind of thing? It's so retarded but so FUNNNNNN. Felt like the first time I experienced the word fun in Senior High. And we ditched the task given hahaha x10000

Towned with Zhiqian the Pony after school and we practically talked about money, money and more money matters throughout the entire journey. Money is the most important thing in the world, we keep reiterating. Laughed at the funniest people and looked for cheap thrills. Got the skin for the Touch only to find that it is ugly x100000 when I got home. I mean it looks extra ugly on the Touch, and the design for the back area is a turn-off. Mm I should go buy some black pop-up paint and draw floral patterns to make it look better or just do something to console myself that it wasn't such a rip-off. Oh it is it is. Speaking of DIY, I am tempted to participate in the sneaker design competition/jacket design competition...pwnz you.

Yes and before towning we saw some lifeless person going home. How dare you!!!! We should switch roles. Tragically hip kthx.

I have the liberty to waste time today like no other day. This feeling, please last forever.

-
I'VE BEEN ON A SINFUL MANGO OVERDOSE FOR THE WHOLE WEEK I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE OF MANGO POISONING. NOW.

Energy-sucked, out.

Edit/ How a mere sentence wrecks your whole day? Hell, it just did. Word of caution: F your complacency because you will live to regret it.

9:34 PM

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

If these are hints signaling that I'm jumping into perpetually fatal abysses, I'll take them.

There will be a bottom someday, earmarked by a parachutic landing.

(Super aching calves today+ Chemistry SPA tomorrow= Kbye)

Goodbye Spilled Milk.

5:28 PM

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Defeat

Do you know how defeat tastes like?

I do.

-

Gongyan was relatively a success I suppose. I had a great time being backstage with all the batch people, mainly stoning, playing with phones and killing time. I love the CSI game in Zhiqian's handphone! Played with it before the first concert at 4pm started and finished the entire game before our items which were placed at the last. It's such a good game! But it needs loads of stamina to complete the entire game. Was totally knocked out after that. Played a little of Grey's Anatomy during the second concert. So yeah stoning was inevitable and everyone wasn't in the homework mood. That's why I haven't gotten anything done so good luck to me. So tired now but the thing is we only performed a few pieces for the concert, and no paiwei, no xiaozu, no moving of instruments. No nothing, but still extremely exhausted.

DHSCO is the ultimate. Although I hate going for practices and all that, but it's all worth it in the end.

11:12 PM

The most annoying itch is that itch in your throat.

Playing pretend: It's Friday the Good Friday, the World Sleeping Day.

Technically speaking it's post-World Sleeping Day now and in retrospect, it wasn't a sleeping day for me at all. I had a family BBQ just now, which proved to be a flood of calories with all that unhealthy but good food. Unlike sakae which is relatively healthier. Well at least I didn't feel that full like the aftermath of every sakae buffet (without fail kthx). Oh well so the impact of all that calories isn't that obvious now, perhaps. Enjoyed the food and the company of my cousins though.

Gongyan's tomorrow, and it doesn't feel the same as past years. It's just going to be a passing day. After so many years/times of moving the instruments, it's rather great to be an alumni, going to VCH straight from home and returning right after the concert. Goodbye to the long and winding flight of stairs of VCH which kills when we start moving the heavy and bulky instruments. It's indeed a nice and fluffy thought, and this thought lasts!!! After dreaming about it when we were still suffering, it's quite hard to comprehend the feeling that I'm in the situation now. And I've been thinking about DHSCO and Shicheng, and it struck me that I hated to adopt an indifferent attitude toward the former. I hate thinking about how I'm going to die in the fast parts tomorrow and making the music sound like a piece of crap. However, in the latter, it doesn't matter at all. (And I hun happily, fyi) Apparently Shicheng produces much better music, but I totally stone on stage.

I guess it all boils down to the emotional attachment. Towards the organisation as a whole, its sustainable reputation and most importantly, my friends. Anti-CO-practices comrades who actually have a secret passion for CO, evident in 2007's SYF. We're all working hard to make the concert a success year after year. The inherent spirit is such an enigma.

12:02 AM

Friday, March 21, 2008

Today is World Sleeping Day.

PLEASE SLEEP MORE!!

11:59 PM

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Life Is Easy

On this particular Tuesday. Hahaha I kid you not I went home today only to find myself staring at the list of work and thinking, I think I can settle these work during the weekends. So I embarked on the "Small CSC Booklet" on China's political structure which isn't very small by mere observation. In fact I plan to print it out in A4 size and I think I have already 7-8 pages done already, which is only one-third of the "Small Booklet". It's damn small kthx, eat that.

Life was also easy yesterday.

Headed over to town with Yiwei and Kim to catch Rule #1 which wasn't too bad (these films never manage to scare me I'm sorry) but the ending wasn't one that belongs to the happily-ever-after category. So yeah. Before that we enjoyed our penultimate year of being a student by having very typical kfc's student's meal and we almost cheated the staff of an extra cheese fries and a bandito pocket! Which makes up to be almost one full meal. Apparently we didn't because Yiwei was being a true-blue Dunmanian. But anyway we were all famished and were devouring like animals. Later on the guys came along (it was a really random combination) but the point was to watch the movie. And after that we all went home. Highly exhausted so ditched the homework for sleep.

Life is not going to be easy from tomorrow onwards.

11:20 PM

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I'm sick of making lists of things that I'll never finish

Yes it's the dreaded Sunday again because it signifies Monday is on the attack! I only like Mondays because I'm dismissed at 12.45pm. Besides that everything sucks. I'm one to two paragraphs away from finishing the long and boring China Studs article and also finishing my March holiday homework!!

3 cheers.

Contrary to the majority, I thought that this 1 week holiday felt pretty long. (When I'm saying this I picture many exclaiming at me) Maybe it's because out of 4 CO practices I ponned 2, and I woke up late on Saturday and decided to skip the symposium. Days at home feel damn long!

It's time to start making unending lists when tomorrow arrives. (I'm watching a movie tomorrow,yaye!)

9:27 PM

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

NO LIFE?

Someone commented that I've no life today. That particular person (from Dunman High too) was like, "Your life is about studying and co, damn no life!" There were a few repetitions of "You really have no life!" later on.

Well firstly, thanks a whole lot.

Because that felt like a real Wake Up Call as Maroon 5 puts it.

Oh my Buddha this is the first time someone has told me blatantly right in my face that I've no life. Well actually it is a silent consensus that we as very proud muggers of DHS, really have no life. And I know that in my heart!! No one has told me that directly before. Ew I thought that felt like a slap on my face. And I was wondering if that someone who passed that comment had a life. (Apparently not) We deserve to laugh at each other, and ridicule about how no life we are, but not saying that the other person has no life. Like you have ah!

I have a life! Because I'm inhaling oxygen and my heart is still beating. You don't see my face in the obituaries? Damn that was so literal.

I've no life! Stop telling me that because I'm already moping. ):

p.s. Happy Birthday Zhiqian :)

9:54 PM

Monday, March 10, 2008

K today was fun, but I almost died after sakae. Imagine eating a whole lot of sushi from the conveyor belt, plus a few soft shell crab handrolls, a few gyozas and 3 whole bowls of chawanmushis (all because of Feltay kthxbye) Plus many many more. Oh my Buddha (the official replacement of Oh my God). Worse still, I went home to have dinner at 7+ pm, and almost got killed after dinner because I was fbloated, and the curry was really murderously spicy. Mm but today was still good. Got all the stuffs for the upcoming birthday celebration on Wednesday. Well I srsly maximised the $5 budget to the fullest oh my Buddha. Anticipate a coffee house outing soon, with mudcakes and caramel frappe. Mmm. ~~(Pancakes anyone?)~~

So my homework list is still left intact after today, save for 3/4 of CSC case study.

I promise I'll do my homework after training tomorrow. Must curb the temptation of watching videos!

11 MARCH IS 40 MINUTES AWAY, HANG ZHIQIAN IS 40 MINUTES AWAY FROM BEING SEVENTEEN!:D

11:04 PM

Sunday, March 09, 2008

The idea of a relaxed Sunday hasn't occurred to me for ages.

But I had one today! Although I went for tuition and got real scared for chemical bonding and taking A's. But I woke up at 11 pm today and just watched videos like nobody's business. I'm failing my study schedule by a million marks by not starting to do the CSC case study which I've to submit by Wednesday. Ugh my holidays are plagued by homework!! So unlike the holidays last December, where I have so much time to play, to work part-time, to watch videos, to go on holidays, to perform for Shicheng. In hindsight my current life feels like shredded vegetables now.

And in a week's time I shall be back on my journey to hell.

Anyway I! must! wake! up! early! tomorrow! morning! for! a! run! to negate the aftermath of the planned sakae sushi in the afternoon.

My mom bought Vitagen instead of Yakult this morning. She bought 2 packets, each containing 6 bottles because "they were cheaper". Ew Vitagen. I'd rather have Yakult. There is a huge difference in taste after all.

9:37 PM

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Love it like caramel frappe

I love this fermented drink so much that I crave for it everyday. Lots of good bacteria and unique taste all packed into 100ml.

3:48 PM

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Sloppy Thursday

Makes me feel so tired even after a run and a huge cup of 3-in-1 coffee (to satiate my cravings for caramel frappe ugh) When I think about the one-page crapola econs analysis due tomorrow, I feel like announcing, "I give up lah!" Thinking about the large volume of homework to do over the short period of March holidays, "Sian la."

Ho~~mework~~liday

Work energy usually dies down when the holidays are approaching, and especially when today was the last day of formal lessons of the term, and tomorrow will be some lame school arts event. I'm reminded of the concert on March 22. I can't play the pieces at all (well, the fast parts) With 22nd March inching towards me, I feel like I'm a desperate.

Ew ew ew.

8:13 PM

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Day of Bliss

斗牛，要不要 is SO EL-FANTASTICO ;DDDDDDDDDDD Omgosh omgosh omgosh hyperventilates. Yay for the end of all tests for the term and double yay for little homework today. I crashed two episodes just now and am craving for more. What's more, THE P______ TSHIRT DESIGN IS DONE. Well I hope everyone will like it, and that the tshirt will be successful :} Excited!

How could such a selfless and loyal guy exist in this world!! The world really needs more people like him. He truly has the best role of all.

Unfortunately it's all not real, it's just a drama! Hell, that's what my life is made up of.

10:10 PM

(Inherent monsters)

Devouring me, help.

7:09 PM

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Life After Death

I think the most essential question of my entire life is actually, "How do we feel when we're dying/have died?" It has always puzzled me since life became clearer to me in recent years. Some say it's painless. Some people who have been through near-death experiences claimed that they saw white light. Sometimes while crossing the road I feel so tempted to experience it, but apparently that will be signifying that I'm a nutcase if I really do so. I think I'm a little haywire to even ponder over the question. For all we know, we'll (and I will) get to experience it eventually at the end of our lives, after we have fulfilled everything we desired and our bodies finally command us to go into eternal retreat. The thing is, it is still very scary and unthinkable in some sense to accept facts that some people who were just there a moment ago, suddenly went away. I remember in January our co conductor Wu died suddenly. A few weeks ago, I was looking at the SYF photograph taken in April 2007, and there he was in the photograph, smiling. It felt so weird to see a man in the photograph who was still there months ago, not in existence now.

I wonder how did both my grandfathers feel when they ceased to exist.

Death is such an enigma.

-
While contemplating on the issue of the afterlife, I'm here leading my life and I think I've the most ironic habits. A DAY BEFORE THE TEST, no make that TWO TESTS, I felt a little lost. Okay I'm probably insecure, because not much knowledge of Confucianism is embedded in my head. And I even went to take a nap, watch tv, run 2.4km, eat my dinner in an hour because I was attempting to chew each bite of food 25 times. Think of the last Math test just last week. On the day before the test, I was consumed by the desire to watch videos, and so I did.

K so there's Chem Lecture test and CSC test tomorrow. I hope I survive them. I know so many 经典语句s now. Like "君君臣臣，父父子子", "礼义以为纪，以正君臣，以笃父子，以睦兄弟，以和夫妻，以调制度，以立田里...", "大道之行也，天下为公" Yay I'm pro. :)

11:05 PM

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I wished that a rocket would land right in front of my eyes now. A China-specialist would emerge from the rocket and with that magical hand of his, transform my sad 2-paragraph CSC essay into one worthy of perfect score.

Hahaha. :}

I spent my weekend lackadaisically as compared to the weekends I've tided over the past few weeks. I did not dive into studying. I spent time with my family and not my room. When using the computer to "do my essay", I procastinated a lot and read forums.

The more you do something, the more you get tired of it. Just like studying. It's so painful and draining, yet fruitful and satisfying. The same goes for people. (I know so much about your flaws just by observing) And I'm so peeved so peeved so peeved. But I don't really know how to deal with it other than eschewing situations, because people are like capricious tennis balls in a tennis game.

-
K I am sincerely enjoying the cat and mouse chase between Singapore and the escaped terrorist. I totally read each and every news article published on the papers, and try to watch the news everyday. It's like me chasing after every drama episode and its details. Which reminds me of Prison Break evolving into Toilet Break (Singaporeans, again) It's so terribly funny but it is such a serious matter after all. I hope they nab him soon, and I've utter confidence.

I hate CSC, I hate the dry topic on Confucianism, and I'm giving up on my 2-paragraph essay.

I need some CARAMEL FRAPPE INJECTION to invigorate myself!!

11:06 PM

Saturday, March 01, 2008

(UN)PRODUCTIVE, (UN)HAPPY SATURDAY

You could say that I didn't do anything today. I woke up at 10.30am, had brunch, and went home for a short period of time. Later my mom said that we'll go out for a short while, but we ended up being out from 4pm to 9pm. Well that makes a huge difference. (Under my bated breath I'm cursing) Gosh I'm crossing the fun factor out of my life, srsly.

Anyway for the first time in life, I've noticed the presence of this notice board on the ground level of the block which I live in. It's just outside the lift, and it is plastered with notices regarding random town activities, block washing etc. I've never seen it before, although I walk pass it twice a day, 365 x 2 times or more a year. I wonder if anyone noticed it before? Maybe no one does! Perhaps I'm too caught up with rushing to the bus-stop to catch the bus every day, or too lethargic to notice it as I drag myself home from school each day. I wished I could take time off from the flying days and go into a slow retreat.

Which reminds me of the March holidays! Although it's only a short week, it's still significant. In a week's time, it would mean that I'd survived 10 gruelling weeks/1 term of school. And 3 terms to promos, 7 terms to A levels, liberation.

I've been repeatedly double-checking the GP moodle forum for this week's journal since Thursday but it seems that no one have submitted their journals. It's a total vicious cycle for me because I'm still stuck at my second paragraph after three days and I'm so not spurred on to completing the journal. And after this non-constructive Saturday I'm still standing on the same spot as yesterday.

CSC essay beckons. (Yknow the teacher just randomly threw us the essay when the bell rung. Everyone thought we just had to do some research, truth's not!) Teachers think we're some superpeople!

I WISHED I AM!

Ew it's Sunday already. ):

11:16 PM

About

Felicia studied in Dunman High School, loves elmo, is a major drama addict and is a cake lover. She has quit coffee even though she loves it.